". . . a fabricated, imaginary self-image that masquerades as virtue." - oof, felt this one. I think the way you handled this whole project and now this post-mortem of its conclusion is very useful, and might even be true. : )
"The only thing that kept me going was one of those insidious ‘shoulds’, a vague sense of responsibility that was really just a thinly-veiled expression of ego and external projection."
Ahh, "should". That word has held more sway over my life than I care to admit. And always in an inwardly focused way "I should be...", "I should do...", "I should do more...". That and your allusion to perfectionism hit me hard. I wouldn't consider myself a perfectionist in the sense that I'm so paralyzed by perfection that I do nothing. Rather, I'm overtly self-critical. I'll finish what I started, then hate the results and self-deprecate until I forget I ever undertook that original endeavor. Very well-written piece and fantastic insights! Thank you so much for sharing as it was both relatable and illuminating!
I just finished reading Reframe Your Brain by Scott Adams and he starts off my saying a statement does not have to be true to be useful. Sometimes even lying to yourself can be useful.
Excellent post. Your bouts of wisdom never cease to amaze me given that I helped raise you. Of course, you are a descendant of Plato, Socrates and Aristotle, so there is that.
Great essay Alex. Anchoring to decisions my past self made is tricky. While it can feel like weakness, my current self also has much more information now available. Things change.
And by setting an ambitious aim like 30 in 30 you were able to hit that limit.
As someone who has a knack for self-flagellation far beyond any logical point just because I said I'd do something, I'm going to try to live more by this rule: "you are well within your rights to break your own rules when they are no longer serving you."
I always struggle with differentiating between "Am I quitting because I want to quit?" and "Am I quitting because it's genuinely the best thing for me to do?" so, of course, I tend to air on the side of plowing through. Any tips for figuring out when your arbitrary rules are not longer serving you? Or is it just a gut feeling?
Also, great post. Very relatable for me and I really enjoyed reading it.
Good for you, Alex. I love this post and that you honored what was so for you.
Your becoming sick reminded me of the word disease, whose roots are "dis" and "ease." The Latin meaning of dis is "apart from" or "asunder," with negative connotations. Of course, you know what "ease" means. As time went on and you passed that two-week point, continuing forward meant you were acting against your "ease." So, not surprisingly, as is often the case in our lives, your body created the stop that your true self perhaps had not recognized it was time for yet.
". . . a fabricated, imaginary self-image that masquerades as virtue." - oof, felt this one. I think the way you handled this whole project and now this post-mortem of its conclusion is very useful, and might even be true. : )
"The only thing that kept me going was one of those insidious ‘shoulds’, a vague sense of responsibility that was really just a thinly-veiled expression of ego and external projection."
Ahh, "should". That word has held more sway over my life than I care to admit. And always in an inwardly focused way "I should be...", "I should do...", "I should do more...". That and your allusion to perfectionism hit me hard. I wouldn't consider myself a perfectionist in the sense that I'm so paralyzed by perfection that I do nothing. Rather, I'm overtly self-critical. I'll finish what I started, then hate the results and self-deprecate until I forget I ever undertook that original endeavor. Very well-written piece and fantastic insights! Thank you so much for sharing as it was both relatable and illuminating!
I just finished reading Reframe Your Brain by Scott Adams and he starts off my saying a statement does not have to be true to be useful. Sometimes even lying to yourself can be useful.
Excellent post. Your bouts of wisdom never cease to amaze me given that I helped raise you. Of course, you are a descendant of Plato, Socrates and Aristotle, so there is that.
Great essay Alex. Anchoring to decisions my past self made is tricky. While it can feel like weakness, my current self also has much more information now available. Things change.
And by setting an ambitious aim like 30 in 30 you were able to hit that limit.
Love it.
As someone who has a knack for self-flagellation far beyond any logical point just because I said I'd do something, I'm going to try to live more by this rule: "you are well within your rights to break your own rules when they are no longer serving you."
I always struggle with differentiating between "Am I quitting because I want to quit?" and "Am I quitting because it's genuinely the best thing for me to do?" so, of course, I tend to air on the side of plowing through. Any tips for figuring out when your arbitrary rules are not longer serving you? Or is it just a gut feeling?
Also, great post. Very relatable for me and I really enjoyed reading it.
Good for you, Alex. I love this post and that you honored what was so for you.
Your becoming sick reminded me of the word disease, whose roots are "dis" and "ease." The Latin meaning of dis is "apart from" or "asunder," with negative connotations. Of course, you know what "ease" means. As time went on and you passed that two-week point, continuing forward meant you were acting against your "ease." So, not surprisingly, as is often the case in our lives, your body created the stop that your true self perhaps had not recognized it was time for yet.